


the terrible ordeal of wanting to be known (to be loved)

by vanilla_cotta



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Acceptance, Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Hurt/Comfort, Trans Female Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-25 19:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30094128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanilla_cotta/pseuds/vanilla_cotta
Summary: Shougo is intimately familiar with yearning and acting and not following the heart that beats within his—no, her chest.
Relationships: Itaya Shougo & Ueki Ryou & Uenoyama Ritsuka
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	the terrible ordeal of wanting to be known (to be loved)

There’s an itch: a feeling of wrongness that starts at his heart and descends to his blood to his nerves to his bones… He feels ugly and broken and warped… The reflection that stares back at him reveals a stranger—a person who Shougo doesn’t know, but someone that he should be intimately familiar with.

The discomfort of something that he can never describe—never voice, no matter how much he wants to, whittles him down until his smile painfully tugs the corners of his mouth, his cheeks scream in agony, and his eyes burn with tears that Shougo always feared to shed.

The shirts, the pants, the underwear… All of it feels wrong, wrong, wrong… There is no place in his life for feminine expression. Shougo is a man, and sometimes, he feels as if that designation may be correct… _But deep down, it really, really doesn’t feel that way._

His voice is too deep. His body is too hairy: his chin scratchy halfway through the day. The thing between his legs… He shudders at the thought, only to force a smile on his face to show that he’s okay… He acts as if nothing is wrong, even if everything about his identity feels wrong.

He’s an actor of many faces, and the idea that something isn’t right scares him. It’s absolutely terrifying… Almost as if the emotion has trapped him in a cell with no way out.

Eventually, his eyes linger on flowy skirts and patterned pants and shirts made of silk and undergarments embellished with lace and bows… The type of clothes his female classmates like to wear: clothes that are pretty and beautiful and everything that his current wardrobe will never be. Shougo yearns to wear them in a way that he’s never yearned for anything else in his life before.

He wants to feel pretty—to be pretty… To become someone that is beautiful and free, but he’s not… _He’s definitely not._

The idea of wearing feminine clothes scares him because, in some way, it means he’s readily admitting to something that he’s not ready to admit… That he may never be ready to admit.

Then, the festival happens, and suddenly, the boys in his class are tasked to dress up in female clothes. It’s a chance that Shougo has never received before, but it’s a chance that provides him an opportunity to indulge.

If he gets to wear a skirt once, he knows he’ll be happy, but when the time comes to wear the sailor uniform he had borrowed from a friend, Shougo feels anything but happy.

Or strong…

Or pretty..

Especially when Ritsuka looks as if he’s the spitting image of his sister—Ritsuka unbelievably and irrevocably pretty in the girl’s uniform that he is wearing, that Shougo depressingly feels out of place…

_He feels ugly…_

His shaved legs, his glossy lips, and the underwear that is patterned with cute little bumblebees and a bow for good measure… Shougo figured that he’d finally feel comfortable in his shoes for the first time in his life and that everything would ultimately become clear to him, but Shougo doesn’t feel that way…

He doesn’t feel that way at all.

Maybe he had tried too hard… Maybe he had done a little too much to make him feel pretty and feminine and more sure of himself. And it’s frustrating in ways that Shougo can’t even understand.

He wants to feel beautiful and wanted and understood, but after dressing up…

He feels as if he’s a lost cause, and that feeling weighs heavily on his heart: _the feeling stifles him._

But then, Ritsuka turns to him with a somewhat embarrassed, but completely gentle smile, Ryou standing behind him with eyes that show nothing but warmth and understanding, Ritsuka goes to give, “Shougo, you look—You look really pretty right now.”

While Ryou can only nod, “You’ve never looked more charming and beautiful… Your clothes… They really fit you.”

Eyes tearing up, Shougo’s bottom lip trembling as he tries to hold back tears, “Guys, do you really mean that… You can’t mean that, because I—”

Only for the two to step closer to Shougo to give him a hug. Ryou’s arms are quick to wrap themselves around the two of them as Ritsuka pulls Shougo flush against him so that his chin can rest against Shougo’s shoulder. Ryou softly interrupts, “Of course we do. You look beautiful right now.”

While Ritsuka, tightening his grip around his friend, can only murmur, “Sorry we didn’t notice earlier.”

Which only causes a bubble of laughter to fall from his—no, her (?) lips, as she laughs, “Ue…”

Ryou, unable to stop himself from moving to fondle her—no, their (?)— _ **no, her hair**_ , is quick to take her breath away as he knowingly declares, “When you’re comfortable, please let us know if you need us to address you differently, alright?”

Choking on her laughter as her heart constricts in her chest, tears start to fall from Shougo’s eyes.

“I… I…We need—”

Feeling Ritsuka hold on to her even tighter, the words dying in Shougo’s throat as Ritsuka interrupts, “Shougo, just take your time. This is more important, _you’re more important_.”

Shougo can’t stop herself from noticing the kindness that is in Ritsuka’s voice: the kindness that her friend is giving her, Shougo finally feels herself break.

Giving one last nod, tears continuing to run down her face, Shougo takes refuge in her friends’ embrace…

Things are still confusing, and Shougo does not know where she should fix the mess that is living in her head. But seeing how kind and caring her friends are being to her, despite all the fear and uncertainty she has towards herself and her identity, she feels a little better.

Things aren’t alright, but they’re better…

 _They’re better_ …

And that’s all Shougo can currently ask for.


End file.
